A Good Horse Gone Bad By Jason Anderson           Today in the news, we have to come report on an upsetting story.  Approximately 5 hours ago, Pegasus, the famous winged horse, was spotted in the Hood robbin’ a jewelry store at 6th and Adams in north Topeka, Kansas.  We have a witness saying he demanded that the owners make him a grill for his now yellowing teeth.  We now believe that he has been involved in the past 3 major robberies of The Tractor Supply Company.           There has been no arrest made as the suspect fled the scene before the police could arrive. The police chopper followed the suspect until strangely disappearing into a dark cloud.  The police have started their investigation and hope to apprehend Pegasus shortly.  Although witnesses could give a full description of the devious monster, they could not fathom where he would strike next.           Many of the citizens of Topeka remember this winged horse as a hero.  Pegasus was known for carrying Zeus’s lightning bolts and wearing Athena’s golden bridal.  He stands about 16.1 hands tall and has an extremely glossy coat.  For any information leading to the arrest of this conniving monster, please call our toll free number at 1-785-875-3188.

HEIR OF SLYTHERIN CHARGED WITH ANIMAL CRUELTY   Hogsmeade, England–After a particularly volatile year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, legal actions are being taken to accuse the guilty and exonerate the innocent.  One of the charges is startlingly strange and considered impossible to enforce but it is nevertheless receiving some news coverage.             The “Heir of Slytherin,” reputedly a shadow of He Who Must Not Be Named, has been charged by recently instated Hogwarts Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Rubeus Hagrid, with animal cruelty.  The “victimized” animal is revealed to be the monstrous basilisk, better known as King of the Serpents.             Basilisks are the most poisonous creatures on earth.  Few eyewitness accounts exist because a basilisk’s gaze is deadly and his fangs are laced with lethal venom, but the creature is supposedly a monstrous snake that has the head and legs of a cock.  Contrawise to a cockatrix, a basilisk is hatched from a chicken’s egg, incubated by a toad.  A series of fortunate coincidences at Hogwarts, where the basilisk had been residing, spared any student or faculty member from death by the monstrous snake although six occupants were petrified by indirect encounters with the basilisk’s gaze.  However, evidence has also arisen that suggests the same basilisk was responsible for a girl’s death at the school fifty years ago.             It is this creature that Hagrid claims has been victimized as much as any of the students this year.  “This is a dangerous, yes, but clearly misunderstood creature,” Hagrid claims, “and it has been confined in a dungeon for over 50 years, released only twice in that space of time.  This sort of cruelty should not be stood for.”             Hagrid also accuses the Heir of Slytherin of killing his chickens and roosters early this same year.  “A basilisk’s only weakness is the crowing of a rooster,” Hagrid explains.  “It kills a basilisk instantly, so the Heir naturally took steps to kill all the roosters in the area.”             Complications in these cases is that the basilisk was killed by student Harry Potter at the end of the year, and the so-called “Heir” has either also died or disappeared.  Hagrid’s charges therefore are considered useless by many, but he wants the charges known because “monsters have as many rights as wizards.”             The carcass of the basilisk discovered at Hogwarts is presently being removed from the school and returned to Greece, where the temples of Apollo and Artemis have been suffering from swallow infestations.

	Procrustes the Good? By: Becky Broxterman Alayna Marr   An amazing turnaround has happened in the history of mythology.  Procrustes, “the stretcher,” has actually decided to turn his evil into good!  This monster of a man is no longer a threat to our beloved home, Attica.               Procrustes was a man of pure evil.  He owned a small motel out in the forest of Attica.  Several travelers would come across his motel in the peace and quiet of the forest.  “The stretcher,” with his sick and twisted mind, had to have his guests the same length as the bed. He would stretch them if they were too short or chop off their legs if they were too tall.               But no more worries! Procrustes has closed down his motel and has moved to the prison. He now works at the prison as the executioner, using his twisted torture methods on the prisoners who have been sentenced to death. He claims that he had some sort of revelation from the gods, but he couldn’t stop his sick addition. This was the only answer for him.               Residing in the prison, Procrustes has yet to decide if this is what he wants to do with the rest of his life.  He does hope to convince his sons, Basher, Bender, and Shady to stop their evil also by working alongside their father.

	Beowulf and Grendel engaged in battle Beowulf and the Dragon   By Marcus Copeland Beowulf, a wise and old king, ruled over his lands for over fifty years with out any problem. That is, until one day when a slave stumbled upon a dragon's lair and proceeded to still a golden chalice from the dragon. When the dragon awoke from his slumber, he instantly knew he had been robbed. The dragon took to the air at once, terrorizing the country side and the kingdom. The slave however, had given the chalice to his owner, who was oblivious to his treachery. The dragon burned most of the land before the king, Beowulf, took evasive action. Beowulf enlisted twelve of his strongest warriors to escort him on his journey to pursue the dragon. For many days they tracked the dragon and for many days the dragon eluded them. When they finally confronted the beast, King Beowulf turned and looked at his men and said, "when yet young, I fought many battles, and now when I am old I seek fame in combat with the dragon, if he but come from his underground dwelling." The men then backed off and let the king fight the dragon, one on one. During the battle eleven of the twelve warriors fled in terror. That last warrior's name was Wiglaf. Wiglaf jumped in and helped battle the dragon alongside the king. When the dragon opened his enormous mouth, swooped down and clenched the king between his teeth, Wiglaf jumped forward and thrusted his sword in the dragon's neck. The dragon died seconds after releasing the king. Wiglaf tried carrying the Beowulf back to his kingdom, but Beowulf wasn't strong enough and died on the second day. Wiglaf returned to the kingdom and told his story to everyone. A statue was dedicated at the gate to the kingdom. The statue featured two brave men, a king and a warrior, battling the fiercest of dragons to ever walk the land..

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